Most of you know that we lost a baby back in November. I have to say that in the immediately following weeks I thought I handled myself very well. I waited for some test results hoping to get more peace. I was disappointed to not get the one answer I really wanted, then to top that off the bills for the procedures following the miscarriage have started to arrive. I struggle with anger lately these days feeling gipped in a way. Losing a baby is much like dealing with the death of a loved one and I have experienced the spectrum of emotions. I don't want to feel angry, I want to be excepting of the Lords will. I am left not wanting to do this again. I told myself back in September when I found out we were expecting #3 that this would be the last time, that I only had to endure morning sickness, discomfort, and pain ONE more time. So now one more child is still in the future plans but I am left feeling like I don't want to carry another baby. Jeremiah humors me and tells me he will give me time, he doesn't expect me to want it right now especially with now job and no house of our own to live in but what then. What if I still feel this way do I just take a leap of faith trust in the Lord that I can handle going through it all again. Right now I feel like I went through all the sickness, all the pain, and am left with all the bills but I have nothing. That is my immediate feeling, I know deep inside I am not left with nothing. I KNOW that that baby is mine for eternity but it doesn't change right now.
I don't blog because this is how I feel angry, I really don't like me right now, don't like the way I look, feel, I am ashamed to have these thoughts and feeling about motherhood and I just feel like maybe I should keep it all inside but I have great friends who understand and loving family so I am putting it out there. Maybe getting it off my chest will help me get past it. I don't want to be "that girl" who is always unhappy, who had a miscarriage and that is all she thinks and talks about.
I am feeling lost in a sea of emotions.
2 comments:
Jessica, I have felt some of your pain in a diffrent way after trying so many times with false results to have our first baby I wanted to give up I was so.. tiered of the let down each time the test said no and then when it said yes finally after 2 yrs it was hard to belive it but I did then when I went in for blood test it said no :( I thought ok I am done I am not trying any more and I will just have no kids we tried hard for another year and then decided we were done and would enjoy life with out kids as it looked anyways. Then 4 months later Karlie was in there " for real" heart beating everyone around me was happy but I couldnt except it for months.Then when Karlie was born so very sick I was certain I wanted "NO" more kids I stuggled when the time came and taylor wanted another I cried and was a wreak almost to the nut farm wanting to make my husbands dream a reality but not wanting it for me at all.
I left it to the lord and well there was baby number 2 with out all the struggles of the first.Now I struggle as I really wanted a third but that will never happen with Taylor's injury and Karlie's illness and I feel gipped big time, I hide my emotions but when I see someone with a baby I feel angry, and very sad. Know I love you and am here for you anytime we can get through this together love you sister :)
jessica, i can't even imagine the hurt you must be going through right now. i have never experienced your loss. but i do know that you are one of the strongest women i know and one of the best mothers i know. your little baby served his/hers purpose and was just too perfect to enter this horrible world. i know words can't fix anything but time will and faith in the Lord. you are blessed to have the gospel in your life and the wonderful atonement of the Savior to carry you through this. wish i knew what to say to help. hope this does a little. love you and hang in there! and don't be ashamed of how you are feeling or for sharing them. i think as women, we should share our feelings more instead of keeping them bottled up and pretending to be living the perfect 'mormon life'. so thank you for sharing.
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