Peanut

I feel like for my own therapy I need to tell the story of "peanut". On September 12 I found out we were expecting baby number 3, this came as a shock to me. So easy just one month into "trying", which for us is generally not the story. Samatha taking 8 months and Landon almost a year to concive. From the begining this little peanut has been a mystery to me. I really had now thoughts or inclinations about who it was which was not normal for me. I have had a distinct feeling of excatly who my other children were and the kind of spirits they were long before they came to our family.

So I just plugged on morning sickness hit early but was mild. About 3 weeks ago I started to feel great and thought wow this is going to be the easy one. I had some blood work done, confirming peanuts existance and was just waiting on an insurance program I was signing up for before going to see the OB.

Around November 2 I started spoting nothing major and pretty inconsistant so I let it go, 5 days later it was still there so I thought just to be safe I should call the Doc and go in.

November 10 I went in to see my GP who was concerned and ordered STAT blood work and sent me off for an ultrasound. I thought oh nothing major just routine. I made arrangements for the kids drank my 32 ounces of water and prayed I wouldn't pee my pants.

The ultrasound started off normal and uncomfortable with my full bladder. Then the tech started to go hmm, huh, and so on and then my doubts started. On to a vaginal ultrasound that made it all very clear to me. Probably the most bittersweet thing I have seen. There was my little peanut; head, body, arms, legs, but SO still and no heart beat. Inside I was breaking, on the outside I was trying to stay strong. The tech says nothing just sends the ultrasound off to my Doc who is supposed to call in the morning. I KNEW I have had several ultrasound in my life I know what I am looking for and what I am not.

Get the kids in the car, "hold it together" I tell myself, "don't lose it in front of the kids". it was time to call Jeremiah and then all my walls crumble. Phone calls were made, blessing given, emotions let go. I fell asleep that night somehow, still holding my precious peanut. There was a knock on the door the following morning at 8:30 a.m., it was mom who woke up at 3 a.m to drive from Clovis.

Wednesday was filled with more emotions and a confirmation from the doc that in fact; in his technical terms "this was no longer a viable pregnancy". Jeremiah stayed with me all day, we cried, and laughed, and went to bed crying so more and thinking of how Peanut is a part of our eternal family.

Thursday was more of the same with an impending OB visit Friday morning.

Friday: we wait for almost 2 hours to see th OB who comes in with such charisma and reassurance. He tells me what I don't want to hear; I need to have a D&C. A huge part of me wants nature to just takes it's course, says that I can handle doing this at home and on my own. A huge part of me HATES the thought of having MY baby ripped from inside of me, taken from me. For 14 weeks peanut has been mine! I have carried him I have kept him safe but it turns out that he went back to our Heavenly Father weeks ago. Tomorrow I go in to have my D&C and I imagine that it will be weeks before I am well again emotionaly but I am told I will be feeling fine phsyicaly in a day or two.

A few things are sure to me; one is that the Lord prepared me in some way for peanut not to join our family, kind of kept who he was from my mind. second I know that peanut will be a part of our family for ever. I know feel that peanut is a "Him" and that he has served his purpose on earth. We will know for sure in a couple weeks if I am right and it is a him. I know there is work for him to do, I am sure that the Lord has a plan for him. Keep in mind this is just how I feel, these are the impressions I have received. I am sure it is different for each person who has the unfortunate task of enduring this trial.